Oooh, Christmas time

It's finally almost Christmas. This is the opportunity to punch your neighbor in the face in line at Target, and people will chuckle it off as "holiday fever." That said, this is also the time that parents and friends will wait hours and hours in line to get you a gift that you will need to wait hours and hours in line to return it. In tradition to the holiday spirit, I'm here to help with a shopping list for that special gamer that you know.



At the top of the list, for your favorite nephew who seems to be playing exclusively shooting and slashing games with excessive nudity and constant swearing, why not help him diversify his gaming library with the cutest, cuddliest game of the year--Flowerworks for the Wii. Personally, I haven't played this game (since I have a policy to never try shit games), but it does have flowers in it, which would be a nice addition to all the blood. And who knows, maybe it's not that bad.

Next up is a game that's perfect for that person who spends too much time on World of Warcraft. You know who I'm talking about. The person who sits in front of the computer for 14 hours straight just to get ready for a raid. It's that dude or dudette who lives off of Cheetos and Mountain Dew and insists on having some source of sugar-rich food and beverage within an arm's length in every direction. It's that person who has sunk into the cousins of his own chair and has grown so massive that his or her butt cheeks have actually consumed the chair within its crevices. Yes, for that special someone, you can pretend to forget his WoW subscription, and subscribe him to a dose of The Biggest Loser on the Wii. Not only is it a passive aggressive nudge-nudge-wink-wink to his lifestyle, it's also an active aggressive way to roll him off his chair and onto the carpet in front of the TV, and in that way, it's a fun little exercise for everyone.

Then there's that beautiful woman that you've neglected for games for this entire year. She waits patiently for any hint of affection, bringing you Bawls and sandwiches. By now, you can almost tune out her voice completely (might I suggest noise cancellation headsets?), but at least it's only background music to your Modern Warfare rampage. She hints for some flowers, maybe a candle light dinner, or some jewelry. But you know better than to give her something so cliche, you're cool! And cool people don't buy flowers. Instead, buy her Ninja Gaiden Sigma 2. It's family fun to watch her die countless times to unlock the easiest setting for you. Not to mention, when she gives up the game within the first 5 minutes, you get to play possibly the best action game of the year. And, as a cherry-on-top, she'll get to marvel at your skill as you're able to kill off the first ninja that appears. Yeah, women responds to skill with a controller.

Lastly, for the little boys and little girls who are so innocent and oblivious to the problems of life, get them a cheap $5 Hot-Wheels and take that money out of their allowance. That's right, little bastards, you can only sew what you've earned. Teach them a lesson that money doesn't just fall out of your pocket magically. Maybe now they won't be bugging you for a trip to Toys R Us. Gas cost money too, you know?

So that's the end of your shopping list, gamers get games, adults get sex, and kids get toys just like the good ol' days. Here's to a happy Christmas for everyone, and don't forget, the line only move faster if you push harder.

PS. Santa's fake, but I'm sure your parents enjoyed those cookies you've made.
PPS. Just a warning from an experienced gamer, please make sure that the box of your game actually has a game in it. Go ahead and tear off that plastic seal and look inside to make sure there's a disk in it before you actually give your gifts. You don't want to be the embarrassing parent who gave people empty boxes for Christmas do you?